His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
