Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
