Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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