just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize