I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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