I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
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