I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
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