I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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