I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
Randomize
