I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Randomize
