Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
I just found a bag of teeth...
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
