oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
I have demons in me.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Randomize