I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize