I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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