just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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