we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Randomize
