You're a womanizer and a bitch.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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