I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
Randomize
