I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Randomize
