Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
