i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
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