I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
