I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Randomize
