I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Randomize
