I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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