just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Randomize
