His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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