I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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