I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
