He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize