we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
