I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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