Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
This boy just came into class wearing sperrys and a polo but also carrying a longboard. I'm unequivocably attracted to his level of doucheyness.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Randomize
