There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Randomize
