i'm lost and i look like a hooker
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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