I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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