If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
