Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
