I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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