you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
