So drunk its hurt
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
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