TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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