Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
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