We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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