What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Randomize
