I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
