According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
