I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
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