Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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