I swear she didn't look like that last week.
lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
