so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
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