Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
I yelled at your uterus for you.
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