Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
Slut skills are useful in every country.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
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