remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
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