On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
