I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize