Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Randomize
