You don't have asthma, your pregnant
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize
