I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
