I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
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